she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
