Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
