I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
