How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
