There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
