I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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