Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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