And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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