It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
