Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
