God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
