shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
