he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
