I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
