Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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