you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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