On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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