I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
