he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
