i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
