How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
