we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
