on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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