Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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