Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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