No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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