and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm always down for nudity.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
