he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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