I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
