Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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