wanna go halves on a baby?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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