Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
