yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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