he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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