I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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