I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
