Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
