Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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