it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
