you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
