Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
