Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
