so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
