The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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