Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
