masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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