She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
