Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
