I just pynch a tree in the face
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize