so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
