If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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