What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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