can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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