My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
