Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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