sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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