i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
