Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
