his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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