My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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