I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
