we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
