she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
