I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize