Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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