Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
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