I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
