im six kinds of drunk right now
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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