i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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