I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
