Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize